What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 04:37
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it wasn’t much.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So whats the point in blame.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot live in the past .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It was going to be , some day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is soul school!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I waited trembling.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Put me off passion for life!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I think the readers, may guess!
What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She married twice! .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Who then, do I blame.?